Diabeetus

 Just recently, I've been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. This means that my pancreas does not make enough insulin. Yes, I am obese and also have a genetic predisposition to the disease so shame on me for not maintaining my health. Anyway, while I was in Austin for Mommy Con I did try to lose weight by diet and exercise. Mikah and I were there for almost 3 months and in that time I lost about 15% of my body weight. When I got home is when I found out I was now diabetic. Symptoms of diabetes are frequent urination, increased appetite, sugar cravings, Candida, slow healing, and increased thirst. I had all of them and then some. A normal, basic healthy person's blood glucose (sugar) level should be 70-120 and mine was between 300 and 500, always. Though I am glad to say that, with the help of insulin and a pill, my levels are a lot lower now. Down to normal on some days.

 It really gets hard sometimes to follow a diabetic diet. I already am on restrictions because of lactose intolerance and beef intolerance (but if you know me then you know I still kill myself with ice cream) and so trying to maintain healthy habits with pre-existing conditions AND a poor financial situation causes some grief. I'm not making excuses, it just fact. I'm 25 years old and I was warned that this would happen, eventually. It's no one else's fault but my own for my health problems. I didn't really believe it would happen, though. I feel so cliche' saying it. So "teen" like. Obviously, I'm not invincible, but I was young, sort of healthy. Or, at least, I had my youth on my side. I could bounce back... Nope. I tell you one thing, having this sort of health problem reminds me just how human I am. How frail and fleeting my life is really. That sentence may seem dramatic to some, but if left untreated or treated poorly, I could lose my life.  Diabetes does have a mortality rate, no how matter it may seem in comparison to other health risks, and I'm not ready to check out.

 In addition to the insulin and the pill I take to manage my Diabetes, I also have to take Lipitor to manage my high cholesterol. Which, come to find out, is a side effect of unmanaged, high blood sugars. The side effects of all these medicines aren't nice, either. Though I know it'll be worth it if it gets me healthy enough that I can eventually get back on my feet and no longer need the meds. I need to learn NOT to indulge in my cravings. I know better, just bad habits. I try so hard to keep Mikah healthy so he doesn't get these problems but, I forgot about me. Parents tend to do that sometimes, don't we? Don't forget about yourself. Our children need us!

Potty Training? Cloth Diapers?

 Oh Man!! Potty training is... is... an adventure, that's for sure! I want to say Mikah does well with it, sometimes. He for sure doesn't like stopping what he's doing to potty, but he IS getting better at telling me that he needs to or stopping when he feels a wet sensation just long enough to get to the toilet. On most nights he is dry the whole night without potty breaks or else he wakes me up by squirming. (We co-sleep/bed share, though his bed is right next to ours so I try to encourage him to stay in it.) The only problem we seem to have is NOT pooping in his undies. Hit or miss there.

 Of course, potty training means NO MORE DIAPERS! This is sort of a mixed bag for me. We were a cloth diapering family. Not only because it was healthier for Mikah, but because it was cheaper and easier on our budget. There were a few times I got frustrated with a certain type of cloth diaper but, all in all, I loved it. I loved showing off Mikah in the summer with big, cute diapers and spreading awareness to those curious enough to let their eyes settle on one of my Lovely Pocket Diapers or custom Bear Monkey Bottoms covers. That being said, I am SO happy to not have to change him every hour or do diaper laundry. No, it wasn't hard or inconvenient, I just find taking Mikah to the potty a heck of a lot better than changing his diaper. Mikah even knows how to wipe himself pretty well so that's almost no longer my job either.

 No longer using cloth diapers means my stash is free to go to someone else. Most cloth diapers, if left in good condition, can sell for pretty close to what you bought it for. Some of mine need new elastic so I won't be selling them. Instead, I'm choosing to sanitize them (just in case) and donate them to a friend(s) in need. Of course, there are a few that WON'T be leaving me. I might have another child... someday... Cloth diapers can be of sentimental value, too!

 I can't believe how fast Mikah has grown. He truly amazes me every day and teaches ME things I never ever thought I'd learn about life or about myself. I can't say I enjoy this potty training act. More like I'm being the one trained here. I know it's worth it, though, and makes room for our family to grow. Sorry it's been so long since I've written anything. Been SUPER busy here. Be on the look out for some interesting posts or suggest a post!

I Am Strong

*I've taken this idea from Birth Without Fear Blog. A blog that I follow and admire. Feel free to make your own post. Sometimes we take our selves for granted, put our own needs on the back burner. Sometimes we need to give our selves more credit.*

 I am strong because when I was 4 years old, my sisters and I lost our mother due to a heart attack. She was 28 years old. I learned what being the oldest meant that day.

 I am strong because a year or two later an uncle decided to put his hands on me like a woman. This would continue for years.

 I am strong because, though my dad wasn't there for us (bottled up in his own grief), my grandmother was and I learned what a real woman was.

 I am strong because I, and my sisters, endured harsh years of mental and physical abuse by my father and his girlfriend's hands.

 I am strong because through it all, we stuck together and forgave our father. Even after several failed suicide attempts in front of us.

 I am strong because the sexual abuse of one man led to others sexually exploiting me. It finally ended when I was 16.

 I am strong because I survived my own suicide attempts. Either by drugs, drinking, or self-mutilation.

 I am strong because at the age of 20 I met the love of my life. We were married within 6 months of dating. I felt safe and whole.

 I am strong because 3 months later I became pregnant with my first child. I gave birth to a boy at 28 weeks along.

 I am strong because, along with my husband, I endured a grueling recovery from an emergency c-section and 10 hopeful/ fearful days with my son in the NICU. He died on the last day.

 I am strong because instead of dying of grief in bed, I picked myself up and went to counseling. I forced myself to smile because it hurt less than thinking of what I had lost.

 I am strong because about 9 months later, we became pregnant again. My heart ached, my senses dulled. Fear became my friend.

 I am strong because even though I went into labor twice, developed Gestational Diabetes and Pre-E, and stayed on bed rest for 15 weeks at the hospital due to IC, at 35.5 weeks I gave birth (through c-section) to a healthy and happy 5lb 13oz baby boy.

 I am strong because two years, 3 months, and 8 days later that same baby boy is climbing the arm of the couch and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

 And even though I still struggle with my weight, self-esteem, depression, and now Diabetes, I am a survivor. I persevered. I am living. I am strong.

Where Am I Going With This?

Life is so short, fleeting, and sweet. How coincidental is it that soul mates ever meet. A baby's first heart beat, a father's last breath. Some would argue its most precious gift is Death. If you don't believe in deities then Life and Death might have no spiritual meaning to you. Perhaps our bodies simply feed the trees... or the grass under my shoe. I can respect that. We'd be omnipresent. Our Death giving Life day and night. Whispering under the waning crescent. I believe in the wind and it cleanses my soul. I believe that the water washes me and leaves me whole. I believe in the sun and the Son shines its light. I believe the Earth was made for us and we should protect it with all our might. Life is exhausting, disappointing, and hard. My days are numbered, but my Life can't be barred.

The Mom I Want To Be

 Motherhood doesn't come with instructions. Some women have an innate sense of it when their children are born. I have to confess, fear was the first thing that popped into my head when my son's were born. It might have been the circumstances of their birth, but I feel it's the most accurate description of what motherhood is like sometimes. Fearful.

 When Mikah was born and placed into my arms the first time, I was shocked, fearful, sad, and relieved all at once. Yes, I loved him, but the worse is hardly ever over once the child is born. Just because you can see, touch, and smell your child doesn't mean they are out of harms way. For the first year of his life I was that high-strung, nervous wreck of a mother. I was constantly playing out worst-case scenarios and choosing the lesser of the two evils for every decision. I felt horrible when I had to give him exclusive formula because I felt like a failure and felt that I was poisoning him. And every time he threw it up that thought process was affirmed for me.

 I have to say, the first year of his life, I did indeed let myself go. I let myself go to make sure he would thrive. Not because he wasn't, but because I feared he wouldn't. I feared, since he was 5wks early, he wouldn't be able to keep up with his peers. I constantly compared us to other mothers and babies his age. One of the worst things I have ever done. I set myself up for disaster at every turn and it fed into Post-Partum Depression like a log on a fire.

 Yesterday I was looking at old photos and videos of Mikah and it made me sad. All I could remember is how stressed out I was or think about how I could have done things differently. I had actually forgotten how cute my son was. Yea, people will tell you to enjoy is while you can, and it's true, but that's just a brief summarization. Why don't more people tell you that, while those emotions are normal, they should be discussed? Why don't other mothers express that to their sisters, nieces, daughters, and granddaughters? Why did I have to read about it in a blog?

 I can tell a dramatic difference in the way I parent now compared to his first year. Some things still stand though, like for his diet and cloth diapering (of course!), but I'm a lot more relaxed. If I don't take care of myself, who would take care of him? It shows in Mikah as well. He's not as afraid of others, he can initiate play with someone other than me, won't scream the whole time I'm gone, and all of that is affirmed each time he randomly kisses me and tells me he loves me. I love being his mom and I adore him. Though I've had a difficult beginning in Motherhood, I wouldn't change it for anything. Those difficulties turned into lessons learned and allowed me to become a mom to a pretty cute and rambunctious little boy. Who knew you could learn so much from a toddler? He's helping shape me into the mom I want to be.

Baby Fever

 Oh man, I have baby fever alright. I've pretty much had it since Mikah turned one. Some days are worse than others, and some days I think I'm crazy for having those other days. If you're not familiar, Baby Fever is not what babies get when they're sick, per se, it's a term used to describe a feeling women/men get when they strongly desire offspring of their own or MORE offspring. Right now I desire MORE!

 It might just be because a few of my family members and friends are pregnant, might be because I read about and look at nothing but child birth, breastfeeding, baby wearing, baby photos and articles. Plain and simple: I want another child. I always wanted at least 3 and the next child will be number 3 for us. Also, being told that there is a time limit on your child-bearing years kind of lights a fire under your butt. That, coupled with reasonably and responsibly having children, leaves me emotional and hormonal... Baby Fever.

 Things one can do when said Baby Fever attacks your home are: Buy all the baby gear! Seriously, because you usually have Baby Fever when there are pregnant friends or family around you, buy something nice for the new/ bigger family. It allows you to get that fix of baby shopping (while simultaneously reminding you why you decided to wait for financial reasons) and helps relieve some stress of the family you're buying for.

Don't go to Babies R Us if you don't plan on drooling over baby furniture.

 Make something/ DIY! Nothing says, "I'm UUBER excited" than a homemade mobile, wall hanging, or clothing item for the precious, new babe. Depending on how elaborate you are, you can get away with making a sweet gift for under $5 bucks. Plus, homemade gifts are usually received just as well as big ticket items because of the thought and appreciation put into said gift. If you haven't yet, visit Pinterest for some baby/kid DIY! Here's a link to one of my boards.

What better to do with your Parent magazine than to repurpose it for a cute basket?! This would be great for moms with babies expected to arrive on or around Easter. Follow the link to my board for more info.

 The last thing I can think of that would either break or make your Baby Fever is babysitting. It would allow you to hug and cuddle the babies/ kids you offer to take responsibility of for any amount of time, you get paid, and it allows you the experience you need to decide if growing your family/ starting your family is the right choice.

 Or, you know, you could be like me and be the indecisive over-achiever and do all three! I think my Baby Fever doesn't just come from the anticipation of babies. For me, it comes from the knowledge that there will be great "ahh" and "aww" moments to be had as well as "wtf" and "seriously?!" moments and I want to help my friends and families with that transition. To help alleviate any doubts they have with themselves as parents and answer, or at least help research, the questions that will eventually arise. I know those instances, and it's not fun alone.

I Went to MommyCon-Austin!!

 Heck yes I did!!! I know this post is a little late but, jeez, I had to recuperate. I lost 9lbs that day! Then little man got sick so we both had to recuperate from that. I will say this though, it was a smaller event than I thought it would be. I would expect that if it were in Dallas, not Austin. Just that made it kind of anti-climactic. Also, despite the easily attained schedules, I missed out on A LOT of seminars. Half of that was my fault though, not realizing I had to sign up virtually for the sleep consultation and having to bring my toddler to the potty every 20 minutes or stopping to feed him. (Who does that?!) Though there were a lot of women, like myself, confused by the workshop and seminar rooms and where to find their lectures. All that being said, the staff was extremely helpful and nice. Even offering me a seat in the sleep consultation if not all the attendees showed. I'm just grateful they came!

This shot (Expo Hall) was taken from the entrance and to the left. A LOT of space was still available. Even with the lunch counter and tables on the side. The black drop was the set up for Project: Breastfeeding. (I got to meet Hector!!)

 I had to get there early though because Amanda, leader and founder of The Rebecca Foundation's Cloth Diaper Closet, was supposed to be the MommyCon ambassador but, had a conflicting morning schedule and I agreed to fill in for a few hours. It allowed me to familiarize myself with the space, meet the vendors as they were setting up, scope out the bathrooms and exits in case of a toddler emergency... You know, the usual. I was also able to set up the TRFCDC banner and donation box at the registration desk. Though it wasn't a lot, I was VERY PLEASED to find a few good condition diapers at the end of the day. If any one of you that donated are reading this, THANK YOU SO VERY VERY VERY MUCH!! That's just about enough to donate to one family in need or struggling. :)

 Oh, and we also participated in the Great Cloth Diaper Change! Jamie TheBabyGuyNYC, The Honest Toddler, and Jessica from The Leaky Boob were there to help keep things interesting while we waited to unanimously change our babies into a clean cloth diaper like other women from various locations around the world. Going in, we all had a raffle ticket to win a prize, but these guys also played Trivia (of sorts) for others to win. I wasn't fast enough to answer those questions, or able to sing a song from the movie Frozen  (no lie!), but I DID win a diaper with my raffle ticket. I was so amazed and shocked. Good thing little man was procrastinating! Anyway, results aren't back yet in regards to if we actually broke a record, but we helped raise awareness, like I'm doing right now. I also got to chat with some lovely ladies and their littles. That's just as good... Right? Right.

 All in all, it was a great day. I'm so thankful that I had this experience, a probably once in a lifetime experience, and got to meet like-minded men and women to remind me of why I chose this path in parenting. I hope that there are fortunate families in every city able to attend. There are at least seven more cities in the line up. Which will you attend? Don't forget to use my code BRITTSBLOG on general admission for a discount. Thanks for reading!

The crew spitting out trivia questions.

Xza, one of the founders of MommyCon, handing out a diaper to a lucky mama.

MOAR questions!

"Do you wanna build a snowman?" See, Frozen...

My beautiful, soft, fluffy diaper!

The Joovy rep let me borrow this bike so Mikah could cruise around!

Wrapping sessions! Oh how I wish I had a wrap!!