The Mom I Want To Be

 Motherhood doesn't come with instructions. Some women have an innate sense of it when their children are born. I have to confess, fear was the first thing that popped into my head when my son's were born. It might have been the circumstances of their birth, but I feel it's the most accurate description of what motherhood is like sometimes. Fearful.

 When Mikah was born and placed into my arms the first time, I was shocked, fearful, sad, and relieved all at once. Yes, I loved him, but the worse is hardly ever over once the child is born. Just because you can see, touch, and smell your child doesn't mean they are out of harms way. For the first year of his life I was that high-strung, nervous wreck of a mother. I was constantly playing out worst-case scenarios and choosing the lesser of the two evils for every decision. I felt horrible when I had to give him exclusive formula because I felt like a failure and felt that I was poisoning him. And every time he threw it up that thought process was affirmed for me.

 I have to say, the first year of his life, I did indeed let myself go. I let myself go to make sure he would thrive. Not because he wasn't, but because I feared he wouldn't. I feared, since he was 5wks early, he wouldn't be able to keep up with his peers. I constantly compared us to other mothers and babies his age. One of the worst things I have ever done. I set myself up for disaster at every turn and it fed into Post-Partum Depression like a log on a fire.

 Yesterday I was looking at old photos and videos of Mikah and it made me sad. All I could remember is how stressed out I was or think about how I could have done things differently. I had actually forgotten how cute my son was. Yea, people will tell you to enjoy is while you can, and it's true, but that's just a brief summarization. Why don't more people tell you that, while those emotions are normal, they should be discussed? Why don't other mothers express that to their sisters, nieces, daughters, and granddaughters? Why did I have to read about it in a blog?

 I can tell a dramatic difference in the way I parent now compared to his first year. Some things still stand though, like for his diet and cloth diapering (of course!), but I'm a lot more relaxed. If I don't take care of myself, who would take care of him? It shows in Mikah as well. He's not as afraid of others, he can initiate play with someone other than me, won't scream the whole time I'm gone, and all of that is affirmed each time he randomly kisses me and tells me he loves me. I love being his mom and I adore him. Though I've had a difficult beginning in Motherhood, I wouldn't change it for anything. Those difficulties turned into lessons learned and allowed me to become a mom to a pretty cute and rambunctious little boy. Who knew you could learn so much from a toddler? He's helping shape me into the mom I want to be.