Aside from what the title says, this post will be about miscarriage. Not mine, but the feelings I have toward another's suffering.
A cousin of mine has suffered a first-trimester miscarriage. Mostly over the past few days but confirmed today. Not only has she had to deal with that but also because it got to the point that her blood pressure dropped and she almost needed blood to be given to her. Luckily that wasn't needed and she with her mother so she can be taken care of for the next few days while her body recuperates.
Her mind, however, is a different story. I don't know for sure what she is thinking right now. Is she in shock? Has she grasped the reality of it yet? I don't know. What I do know is that if she falls asleep she'll probably wake up remembering she lost her baby and her world will crumble all over again. And this will happen many more times in the next few weeks, months, etc.
She has lost her child. The hope she had for that little life that was growing inside her is now gone. She might feel betrayed by her own body. How I wish I were there to try to comfort her. If anything, to just sit there and offer my silent understanding.
I wonder if the hospital even acknowledged she lost a baby. Some doctors and nurses can be so stoic, so cold. Especially towards miscarriage mothers because there's nothing to show for all the cramping and bleeding. There's nothing to bury, no baby clothes were worn. But she remembers the sonogram, the positive test. She can't and probably won't easily forget them. This child was/ is loved.
Little hands
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
A New Understanding
Well, I told you I'd update you about my receiving my medical records. Sorry I didn't update sooner. It just took me a little bit to process and cope with the new information.
First off, remember me griping about having to pay for MY medical records? Yea, well, I got them for free. Yea! I had decided to go with my doctor's office since it was cheaper. I get up there and the nurse prints off Ein's and Mikah's medical report. Everything leading up to delivery, all except Mikah's c-section report. I tell her a little bit of why I wanted them so I think this was just her being compassionate and for that I'm very grateful.
There was a lot of numbers, blacked out and deleted notes that I didn't understand but there was enough information that I feel I can finally gain confirmation and closure. For real this time. I don't have to just let-it-go and instead just completely let-go... If that makes sense.
Starting at around 16 weeks, in the doctor's notes, I had notified her of lower abdominal, lower back, and hip pain. And also at almost every appointment after until I had him. Kind of peeved that I wasn't checked, but to my doctor's credit, I also brushed it off as pains from my Fibromyalgia. According to blood work and lab tests I also had a mild case of Gestational Diabetes and Hypertension. This I didn't know. I guess, since my appointment was supposed to be that Monday after I had Ein, I would have found out. Still, wouldn't have been good to know for Mikah's pregnancy.
In Ein's c-section report, the doctor states that when my bag of waters were busted the fluid was stained with meconium, a baby's first stool; a black, tar-like stool passed shortly after birth or sometimes even while mother is overdue or in labor. Can also be a sign of distress. I believe if I hadn't gone into labor this might have had an adverse effect on his little body such as breathing it in or causing infections
. Further along in the c-section notes it is typed out that they classified me as anemic because I had lost 800 cc of blood. I'm pretty sure 1000 cc is cause for an emergency though because it didn't state that I needed blood transfusions or anything and the report said that I was in stable condition. Thinking back about it now, that's probably why I felt like crap the last few weeks. I was so miserable.
In Mikah's reports I found the Urinalysis of the 24-protein evaluation of my urine that I had never gotten back because I had him that morning. It showed that I did have Pre-E. It wasn't too high and probably could have been induced had I pushed it but I would have had to have Mikah in the next few days at the rate the protein levels were rising. This also confirms the cause behind the really nasty headache I had in the hospital a couple of days after Mikah was born. I had already been hooked up to Magnesium a few hours after birth but probably needed more.
So yea, that's pretty much it. I do have IC (incompetent cervix) and I really need to lose weight if I want to have another baby. I really don't want to have all these problems and risk losing another child's life. Yesterday morning I cried telling Ein that had it been me I would have never chosen him over my own life but that I was thankful for Mikah's. Sometimes it seems like a double-edged sword. A lose-lose situation, but then I look at Mikah and know that, if I could turn back time, I would not be able to erase him from my life.
First off, remember me griping about having to pay for MY medical records? Yea, well, I got them for free. Yea! I had decided to go with my doctor's office since it was cheaper. I get up there and the nurse prints off Ein's and Mikah's medical report. Everything leading up to delivery, all except Mikah's c-section report. I tell her a little bit of why I wanted them so I think this was just her being compassionate and for that I'm very grateful.
There was a lot of numbers, blacked out and deleted notes that I didn't understand but there was enough information that I feel I can finally gain confirmation and closure. For real this time. I don't have to just let-it-go and instead just completely let-go... If that makes sense.
Starting at around 16 weeks, in the doctor's notes, I had notified her of lower abdominal, lower back, and hip pain. And also at almost every appointment after until I had him. Kind of peeved that I wasn't checked, but to my doctor's credit, I also brushed it off as pains from my Fibromyalgia. According to blood work and lab tests I also had a mild case of Gestational Diabetes and Hypertension. This I didn't know. I guess, since my appointment was supposed to be that Monday after I had Ein, I would have found out. Still, wouldn't have been good to know for Mikah's pregnancy.
In Ein's c-section report, the doctor states that when my bag of waters were busted the fluid was stained with meconium, a baby's first stool; a black, tar-like stool passed shortly after birth or sometimes even while mother is overdue or in labor. Can also be a sign of distress. I believe if I hadn't gone into labor this might have had an adverse effect on his little body such as breathing it in or causing infections
. Further along in the c-section notes it is typed out that they classified me as anemic because I had lost 800 cc of blood. I'm pretty sure 1000 cc is cause for an emergency though because it didn't state that I needed blood transfusions or anything and the report said that I was in stable condition. Thinking back about it now, that's probably why I felt like crap the last few weeks. I was so miserable.
In Mikah's reports I found the Urinalysis of the 24-protein evaluation of my urine that I had never gotten back because I had him that morning. It showed that I did have Pre-E. It wasn't too high and probably could have been induced had I pushed it but I would have had to have Mikah in the next few days at the rate the protein levels were rising. This also confirms the cause behind the really nasty headache I had in the hospital a couple of days after Mikah was born. I had already been hooked up to Magnesium a few hours after birth but probably needed more.
So yea, that's pretty much it. I do have IC (incompetent cervix) and I really need to lose weight if I want to have another baby. I really don't want to have all these problems and risk losing another child's life. Yesterday morning I cried telling Ein that had it been me I would have never chosen him over my own life but that I was thankful for Mikah's. Sometimes it seems like a double-edged sword. A lose-lose situation, but then I look at Mikah and know that, if I could turn back time, I would not be able to erase him from my life.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
MommyCon: Are you going?
Do you remember me posting an entry about MommyCon last month? If not, don't worry. You can read about it here and catch up.
Anyway, well turns out I will be attending MommyCon as a BLOGGER! That's right. This gig is taking me places and that is straight to Austin (closest even to me) and there will be lots of pictures taken, diaper changes, drooling (probably mostly done by me), and excitement all around. After that I get to come back and write about my experience and spread the love to all of you!
So, do you want to go? I'm sure you can find one in your area. MommyCon is coming to Chicago, Austin, Denver, San Francisco, Memphis, and Philadelphia. General admission lets you enter a mama heaven and children under 16 are free to enter, plus you can upgrade your ticket to the Expectant Mama VIP if you're pregnant. This is exclusive to pregnant moms because it gives you a goodie bag full of cool items for your last few months of pregnancy as well as your first few weeks of motherhood.
Want to go yet? I figured you might. That's why I have a promo code for my beautiful readers (that's you!) to use when purchasing a ticket. Just type in the promo box: BRITTSBLOG and that should discount your ticket. :D
Not satisfied? Hmm, well, I live to please! Here's a free pair of tickets to a MommyCon near you! And may the odds be ever in your favor... Or something like that.
a Rafflecopter giveaway
Congratulations, Ivy N!! Please make sure to check your email!
Anyway, well turns out I will be attending MommyCon as a BLOGGER! That's right. This gig is taking me places and that is straight to Austin (closest even to me) and there will be lots of pictures taken, diaper changes, drooling (probably mostly done by me), and excitement all around. After that I get to come back and write about my experience and spread the love to all of you!
Want to go yet? I figured you might. That's why I have a promo code for my beautiful readers (that's you!) to use when purchasing a ticket. Just type in the promo box: BRITTSBLOG and that should discount your ticket. :D
Not satisfied? Hmm, well, I live to please! Here's a free pair of tickets to a MommyCon near you! And may the odds be ever in your favor... Or something like that.
Congratulations, Ivy N!! Please make sure to check your email!
Monday, February 10, 2014
Today Is the Day... Hopefully
Today I'll be heading to town to try to buy my medical records. I'm seriously hoping that my doctor's office will give them to me without fuss and nothing missing. I'm kind of nervous about Ein's records. Knowing that it'll probably open a few scars, but I need to know... I need to know.
I'll update you later today or tomorrow.
I'll update you later today or tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
A Tale of Two Toddlers
I promise this won't be as long as Charles Dickens' tale, but will probably be just as dramatic.
Do you remember me telling you about my friend Funman and his daughter Li-Li? Well, for the past three days I baby-sat Li-Li for Funman while he was at work. I thought it would be a fun time for Mikah, Li-Li, and me and we'd end this three day stretch with some funny stories and cute moments. There were cute moments, but also a whole lot of frustration.
Don't get me wrong, I loved having Li-Li. The problem I think though is that both Li-Li and Mikah are the only child of their immediate family. Besides the fact that they are both in the toddler stage and are learning to share and play with others. Mikah is associating emotional attachments to his toys and Li-Li is wanting to experience everything all at once so it's kind of like a toddler-nado when those two want the same toy.
God forbid Li-Li wants to sit on my lap,or even touch me, or even stand next to me. I can appreciate that Mikah thinks I'm a precious stone (Gollum much?) but wow. Hitting and pushing is not how I need to be protected. Li-Li also feels that whenever she's so much as poked that she needs to fall to the floor in anguish.
Don't get me wrong, I loved having Li-Li. The problem I think though is that both Li-Li and Mikah are the only child of their immediate family. Besides the fact that they are both in the toddler stage and are learning to share and play with others. Mikah is associating emotional attachments to his toys and Li-Li is wanting to experience everything all at once so it's kind of like a toddler-nado when those two want the same toy.
God forbid Li-Li wants to sit on my lap,or even touch me, or even stand next to me. I can appreciate that Mikah thinks I'm a precious stone (Gollum much?) but wow. Hitting and pushing is not how I need to be protected. Li-Li also feels that whenever she's so much as poked that she needs to fall to the floor in anguish.
"Oooh, Mikah touched my arm!"
One funny thing Mikah picked up, which is also bad, is that he learned how to annoy Li-Li. Whenever their playing becomes highly energized and rambunctious, Mikah will scream/ squeal at the top of his lungs and laugh at Li-Li's discomfort and pleas for him to stop. He makes a game out of it because of Li-Li dramatically stomping and screaming, "Mikah! No! Stop!" Li-Li knows that Mikah is ticklish though, so all is well.
The cutest moments of all, though, is definitely when I catch them playing nicely to one another and they hug and kiss. I caught them in Mikah's bed yesterday rolling around and trading kisses between giggles. So adorable. It's those little things that makes my day better. When they tell each other "love you", when Mikah apologizes with a kiss, or when Li-Li says Mikah is her baby.
Through out these past few days I've really come to terms with waiting to have another child. I mean, I know it would be different if I had two kids because Mikah would gradually learn to share me with another child and he and that other child would be used to each other (somewhat). It sometimes makes me think of how it could have/ would have been if Ein was still alive. He was only 8 months younger than Li-Li. I would have been busy, that's for sure. Still, I can at least wait until Mikah is in school and not competing for my attention. Until then, Li-Li can get me ready.
The cutest moments of all, though, is definitely when I catch them playing nicely to one another and they hug and kiss. I caught them in Mikah's bed yesterday rolling around and trading kisses between giggles. So adorable. It's those little things that makes my day better. When they tell each other "love you", when Mikah apologizes with a kiss, or when Li-Li says Mikah is her baby.
Through out these past few days I've really come to terms with waiting to have another child. I mean, I know it would be different if I had two kids because Mikah would gradually learn to share me with another child and he and that other child would be used to each other (somewhat). It sometimes makes me think of how it could have/ would have been if Ein was still alive. He was only 8 months younger than Li-Li. I would have been busy, that's for sure. Still, I can at least wait until Mikah is in school and not competing for my attention. Until then, Li-Li can get me ready.
Monday, February 3, 2014
I am President!!!
Of The Rebecca Foundation's Cloth Diaper Closet- Kilgore chapter!!! Or TRFCDC- Kilgore for short. I'm sooooo happy excited to be a part of this foundation!!
Oh, you want to know what it is? Well, if you're as clever as I think you are then you already know it has something to do with cloth diapers. (Can't get anything over on you!) We lend cloth diapers to low income families that want to cloth diaper or just are looking for a cheaper way to diaper their babies. We supplement that start up cost by giving them diapers for a set amount of time while the family buys as many diapers as they need. Since a full stash of cloth diapers (24-28 diapers, not including accessories) can cost around $200-$500 upfront, this is great for those on a tight budget.
We also give information and advice about wash routines, different styles of diapers, and places to buy them. We have sponsors like Thirsties, KamSnaps, Knicker Nappies, and many more. There's even an online shop you can go to and purchase some cool merchandise to support us and spread awareness. See? Don't you want to be a walking, talking, breathing billboard? lol
There is also a Pay It Forward attitude with this organization that I love. We ask each family that participates in the program to volunteer at least 2 hours each month in way they can. There are many different ways to help like spreading flyers around their doctor's offices, mentoring new families, or even teach a class if your chapter has them. We want families to know they aren't alone and that they don't have to struggle between buying diapers and buying food. There is a way!
Don't need diapers? Sponsor a family by buying any number of items off of this list or just donating money to the foundation. You can donate to a local chapter or to the main office and it would be distributed to all from there. You never know who could benefit from this foundation. It could be you neighbor, co-worker, or even your sibling.
Oh, you want to know what it is? Well, if you're as clever as I think you are then you already know it has something to do with cloth diapers. (Can't get anything over on you!) We lend cloth diapers to low income families that want to cloth diaper or just are looking for a cheaper way to diaper their babies. We supplement that start up cost by giving them diapers for a set amount of time while the family buys as many diapers as they need. Since a full stash of cloth diapers (24-28 diapers, not including accessories) can cost around $200-$500 upfront, this is great for those on a tight budget.
We also give information and advice about wash routines, different styles of diapers, and places to buy them. We have sponsors like Thirsties, KamSnaps, Knicker Nappies, and many more. There's even an online shop you can go to and purchase some cool merchandise to support us and spread awareness. See? Don't you want to be a walking, talking, breathing billboard? lol
There is also a Pay It Forward attitude with this organization that I love. We ask each family that participates in the program to volunteer at least 2 hours each month in way they can. There are many different ways to help like spreading flyers around their doctor's offices, mentoring new families, or even teach a class if your chapter has them. We want families to know they aren't alone and that they don't have to struggle between buying diapers and buying food. There is a way!
Don't need diapers? Sponsor a family by buying any number of items off of this list or just donating money to the foundation. You can donate to a local chapter or to the main office and it would be distributed to all from there. You never know who could benefit from this foundation. It could be you neighbor, co-worker, or even your sibling.
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